Humor Fictlet ... Draco/Ginny

Mon, 06 Aug 2007 04:26:34 GMT

This one is about the confusion between the sex of Blaise Zabini. Enjoy!

A Question of Sex (Story Text)
Author Name: BluntJoey
Owl the author: here.
Rating: PG
Spoilers: PS/SS, CoS, PoA, GoF, OotP, QTTA, FB. Written after Half-Blood Prince.
Genre: Humor, Parody
Era: Harry and Classmates Post-Hogwarts
Main Character(s): BZ, D, G
Ship(s): D/G
Summary: Voldemort is dead. Lucius isn't. In which Harry is kidnapped by a sociopath, Ginny is set to rescue him by finding the sex of Blaise Zabini, Draco meets someone from a fling in seventh year, old relationships are revisited ... All in time for the day spa.
Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
Author's Notes: This one is for Brittany, my most faithful reader and all you fans of the fanon Blaise opposed to the canon male Blaise.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Author's Note: A parody to the fanon Blaise versus the canon Blaise. It is also a parody of the Draco/Ginny ship. My first one shot and my first comedy. Do enjoy.

A Question of Sex

Ginny Weasley is not a happy camper. No, not at all. You see, after the war ended, everything was supposed to be absolutely perfect. But no, it couldn't work out that way. But Voldemort is dead, damn it! Yes, you are correct here. But guess who's not? The treacherous Lucius Malfoy. Are you scared yet? No? Well you will be.

Lucius Malfoy escaped from Azkaban in Ginny Weasley's seventh year, old news really. It was sometime after Harry had defeated He Who Must Not Be Named and all that. Lucius Malfoy ran down the streets of London screaming for Voldemort, saying he was still alive. They almost caught him. Except that they didn't.

And now, in a still deranged mind, Lucius Malfoy steals Harry Potter from a pub in London for no reason. Or maybe there was. It had to be typical, though, if Ginny could remember correctly. Something about it being to honor He Who Must Not Be Named. The man was mad, really, trying to get a dead man to like him.

But, you must be asking, why would Ginny Weasley care? Well yes, she had spent a few summers with Harry Potter. But no one took Lucius Malfoy seriously. The boy who conquered and all that could handle a sociopath. Well here's the answer. The sociopath wants Ginny ... Oh, now you ARE scared.

All in a letter. Ginny does not like this. No, not at all. Ginny thought Harry would be fine, back in a few days. But no, life never stopped being complicated. What will Ginny do now? Lucius Malfoy wants to meet her in the Leaky Cauldron for a drink.

She had liked Harry when she was a child ... He had saved her life ... She owed it to Harry she supposed. Well, fine then. Ginny Weasley is going.

So in the cold winter night, Ginny walks down Diagon Alley and walks into the Leaky Cauldron. She orders a drink and sits down. It is past time already. Where is the sociopath? Slytherins are never on time. Ginny knows this from dating Draco Malfoy in her sixth year. But that is another story is it not?

"Finally," says Ginny, sounding brave, though she is horrified, wondering if the sociopath is also a rapist as he sits down. "Where have you been?"

"Ah yes, Draco has told me how you were early to your ... engagements," Lucius says with a sly smile.

"What! No one was supposed to know about sixth year!" Ginny exclaims.

"What happened sixth year? He simply said you were always early to the Divination class you shared," Lucius Malfoy says, eyeing her carefully and suspiciously.

"Oh, right. Yes, well, err, no one was to know," Ginny says and realizes how off topic they are. "What do you want with me?" she exclaims with a brave tone.

"Do you want Harry Potter alive, girl?" Lucius asks and his grey eyes glow.

"Yes," says Ginny.

"Well, I have a bargain for you," Lucius says quietly. "Find me the sex of Blaise Zabini and he is free."

What is this, you must be asking now. Yes well, Lucius is a deranged sociopath as you remember. But then again ... that boy, Blaise ... no it was a girl wasn't it! No, you say, it was a boy, I read Half Blood Prince. Half Blood Prince? This is Alternate Universe buddy.

"But he is a boy isn't he? No wait ... Dean went with him, I mean her, to Hogsmeade one time ... But wait, didn't Parvati? Hmm," Ginny says, now pondering this as well. "Wait! I remember seeing him with a beard."

"That was on Halloween," Lucius says, smirking.

"Ugh! Why do you care?" Ginny asks, rather angry, and feeling mocked.

"Why do you?" Lucius asks.

"I don't!" but Ginny now realizes she herself now is rather curious. "Well, maybe a little."

"Well, then. Find out and you get Harry back. Now I know you want to know where he is," Lucius says, "he is with Draco."

"Where is Draco?" Ginny asks.

"Borgin and Burkes, duh," Lucius says as though this is obvious.

"Good, then I'll just walk over there and get him, and no Blaise Zabini nonsense," Ginny says, getting up rather bravely, and now meaning it, upon discovering Lucius really is a sociopath ... And not a rapist.

"Well, no, no. Harry is hidden, duh. You must go to Draco to find where Blaise is, duh," Lucius says, sounding annoyed.

"Oh, fine then!" Ginny says, quite impatient. Lucius gets up too.

As Lucius walks by, the barman stops him.

"Hey, aren't you ..." the barman begins

"Nope, get it all the time." Lucius smiles to himself.

And so Ginny walks out of the Leaky Cauldron. She walks over to Knockturn Alley, trying to hurry, she doesn't have all day after all. She was hoping to hit the spa later on. These winters are cold.

And so she finds Draco outside of Borgin and Burkes. Ginny is too impatient to be embarrassed. Sixth year had been a naughty year for her, it really had.

"Draco, where is Blaise?" she demands immediately.

"Aha! My father is so deranged, my God. Why are we paying this ridiculous game?" Draco asks.

"Ugh, why don't you tell me then? What is the sex of Blaise Zabini?" she retorts with a question of her own, "did you not share a dorm?"

"I don't remember," Draco says. "Didn't he date Hannah Abbot?"

"Yuck, what boy would date that?" Ginny asks, disgusted.

"This is true," Draco says, with a hand on his chin thinking. "But see, there is a spell on Harry. He is invisible and petrified in here and cannot be moved until we find the sex of Blaise."

"Know where Blaise might be?"

"Works at a club nearby. I'll go with you, I suppose. Nothing to do here," Draco says, not asking her at all really.

"Well, all right then," Ginny says. "Lead the way."
And they walk, and they walk, and they walk. And this must be boring for you already, so I shall stop. So they walk into the club. Ginny does not know this is a rather ... skimpy club. But this is PG, duh, as Lucius would say, so use your imagination you naughty little kids.

"Well, Draco, where is Blaise?" Ginny asks. "Do you think I want to see a bunch of women taking ..."

"Shh!" Draco says. "This is PG!"

But Ginny does not hear him.

"Blaise is the manager," Draco says. "Blaise was the one who arranged all of our little meetings so conveniently in my seventh year."

"And you don't know the sex!!" Ginny screams at him, and she is rather enraged.

"I never asked. It is hard to tell ... If I remember." Draco ponders to himself.

"You can tell with the eyebrows always," Ginny says calmer.

"Blaise didn't have any," Draco says and he is shocked at his memory.

"Oh," Ginny says thoughtfully.

And so the couple ... Oh wait, that sounded bad. The two of them walk together to the back of the club, and Draco accidentally walks into something rather inappropriate but he is just a boy after all. They find cloaked people in the back.

"Where is Blaise?" Ginny demands. "The manager here or something."

But no one responds to her request. Ginny tries again, this time calm and sweetly, as she really does want to get to that spa after all. Hermione told her it was good after she broke up with Ron ... Another story, my friend. But to get on with this one which I can understand to no longer be scary, Ginny remains ignored.

"Oh, I hate my life!" Ginny screams.

"You sound like Harry fifth year," Draco says.

"Yes ... Hey, wait! Isn't Blaise the one who had the mother who killed all her husbands?" Ginny screams, having an epiphany.

"Um ... no, you are confused," Draco says.

"Oh yes ... Hmm, I must be in a daze," Ginny says.

"Yes, that isn't the Blaise as we know," Draco says.

"Or the Blaise as we don't know you mean," Ginny says. "But hmm, I think I read that somewhere and I am getting Blaise confused."

"You must be deranged, too," Draco says. But Ginny does not hear him.

"Someone say my name?" it is the sound of a rather deep voice and Ginny turns immediately.

"Blaise!" Draco says.

It is true. Blaise Zabini is quite a pale person. A pale person with no eyebrows. In fact, though Draco did not remember this, Blaise has no hair at all. Blaise has eyes like his skin, though maybe darker a little. Ginny now understands why no one can tell. You really cannot tell. But will we find out? Oh, the suspense.

"What is the matter here? I haven't seen you lot since school," Blaise says with a deep voice.

Ginny cuts to the point.

"Are you a male or a female?" she asks, as though the weather is being discussed.

Ginny is cut off, as you might have guessed would happen. Blaise looks at her strangely and then says 'Must have heard you wrong'. Ginny prepares to repeat herself, but the cloaked people grab and push him in the opposite direction.

"Time to go," one of them says.

"Oh, they talk to him! This is ludicrous. I am a Malfoy ..." Draco starts, but Ginny hushes him.

"Wait! Blaise, please come back ... Please! It has to do with Harry Potter!" Ginny says.

Well, you must understand, Harry Potter is a celebrity. Harry Potter is praised above all others in the wizarding world. But does Ginny get the results desired by using his name? Read on my friends ...

"He was mean to me in school," Blaise says. "I don't care."

"Blaise ... Did you date Parvati?" Ginny asks.

And at this, Ginny and Draco are both terribly surprised. Blaise begins screaming and crying and pouting like a child.

"I loved her! How dare you mention her to me! We were fine ... Until ... Until ... Until ..." Blaise cries.

"Well say it already! It doesn't even take that long in movies," Ginny says, impatient.

"What's a movie?" Draco asks.

"Oh it's a Muggle thing where you go and watch people do stuff, I suppose, on a screen. It is like a book, but you watch the scenes happen on a screen. Hermione showed them to me ... I'll take you sometime," Ginny says. Oh, but can you blame her? Draco Malfoy is rather irresistible, we all know that. What happened sixth year, well, Ginny wouldn't mind more of, I'll tell you that. You better pray for a sequel.

"Sounds nice," Draco says flirting. "But wait, what is the matter with you Blaise?"

Blaise does not respond immediately. Blaise remains on the floor now, crying to ... herself or himself, whatever it is. Ginny watches him, confused and not at all feeling sorry for him. If she does not hurry, the spa will close and that will ruin her day. But it is for Harry ... And Harry cannot help himself this time.

"Are you listening to us?" Ginny demands. "We don't have all day. We want to get Harry and get this over with, and you're making this difficult for me."

"I cannot answer this question until ... Until you get me Parvati," Blaise pants, moaning like a baby.

"My God, it's like a bad dream," Ginny says. She is now near tears. That spa sounded so nice, and the chances of her going tonight are slim. I mean sure, she cares a lot about Harry, but the spa sounded nice.

"Where is she?" Draco demands, sounding livid.

"She works for your father!" Blaise yells dramatically.

"Huh? My father is on the run, he doesn't work," Draco says, befuddled.

"He owns the club next door under the name 'Tom Riddle'," Blaise says.

"Hmm, that name sounds familiar," Ginny says.

"Uh, Ginny, you communicated with him in your first year," Draco says, as though questioning her sanity.

"Please, I don't remember that rubbish ... But wait, yes, he's Voldemort. So when Voldemort died maybe your dad inherited it," Ginny says.

"I see you all are not completely dimwitted," Blaise says.

"You filthy scum, wasting our time, I'm tired, you know, it's not easy being Draco Malfoy ,the most handsome and desirable man ..." Draco begins.

"Come along now, Draco," Ginny says sweetly, grabbing his hand.

Ah ... what a twist! We must return to Hogwarts as an English teacher would say ... And revisit the past and all that nonsense. But wait, we've already done that. So I suppose I'm repeating myself. To get on with my story, Draco and Ginny walk and they walk and they walk ... But you're not bored yet, the club is right next door, duh ...

"But wait, Draco. Tom Riddle was on the run, too. He couldn't work," Ginny says, using her thinking skills.

"Ah, Ginny, Tom Riddle did what he wanted. Besides, who even remembered Voldemort as Tom Riddle?" Draco says wisely.

"True, I barely remembered him. All that Voldemort nonsense is so old now isn't it? I just wanted to go to the spa tonight. Hermione told me about it," Ginny says conversationally.

"I work for the Ministry, actually," Draco says. "I make quite a bit, really."

"Oh, Draco," Ginny mocks Draco. "So flattering."

Draco looks rather hurt at this.

"Hmm, this is rather nice," he finally says.

This is a more conservative club, if there ever was one. Slow dancing and fully clothed people. Oh, how lovely. There are bartenders and everything. And it is so quiet ...

"WHERE IS PARVATI PATIL?" Draco screams.

Draco Malfoy ruins everything, Ginny thinks to herself.

"She's on break," a bartender says ever so calmly.

"Damn it!" Ginny screams loudly. Draco already ruined the silence.

"She'll be back in a few minutes," the bartender says. "Would you like a drink?"

"Yes, and one for my friend here," Draco says, taking the natural Malfoy attitude now, "some elf-made wine."

"Hermione won't be happy," Ginny says, giggling. "It's why she and Ron broke up. He insulted house elves too much."

"Ah, they would have never worked out. Bickering like little children," Draco says.

"She is meant for Harry," Ginny says, as they both drink to each other.

"Quite a drinker there, Weasley," Draco says, smirking at her.

"The Weasley way," Ginny says, smiling back as she finishes her glass. "And I need it for sanity now. It's justified, my friend."

"Who needed me? Really, I have a job," it is the voice of Parvati. "I tell them boys to wait till after work."

"Well, we need you now, dearest," Ginny says in a false sweet voice. "I'm a girl, so it's different."

"What do you need?" Parvati asks, mimicking Ginny's false sweetness.

"Well it is a question of sex," Ginny explains.

"What? I'm not a lesbian," Parvati says sounding insulted.

"I heard about you and Lavender," Draco says, though he really only just made that up.

"Not like that! We need to take you to Blaise Zabini," Ginny says calmly, or as calm as she could be.

"Ah, I always knew it would happen! I vowed to never see him again!" Parvati screams.

"Yeah, whatever, we had the drama from him already," Draco says. "Come along now."

Ginny and Draco pull Parvati and take her next door. Now you shall see a stunning revelation I'm sure you think ... And you're probably right. This is a one-shot after all. So they walk and walk and walk ... And now you are bored, because as they are pulling an unwilling Parvati, it takes longer.

But they find Blaise once again. He cries harder.

"We don't have time for this. Why did you need her?" Ginny asks.

"Because ... Only I know his secret!" she cries. She is crying just as hard as him.

"It's just who I am!" Blaise says. "Why's it so hard to accept? I loved you!"

"But you ... But you don't ... But you have ... But no you don't ... Oh, tell them!" Parvati exclaims dramatically and drops to her knees.

"I have both! Nobody wants me. I remain a, well for lack of proper word, a unisex person. Parvati wouldn't love me anymore when she tried to go down ..." he begins, but he is stopped before he can continue.

Draco screams two letters out loud, but no one hears.

"So now we have the answer, then," Ginny says, rather lightly. She finds this all a bit funny, really. "Let's go Draco."

"Yes, we'll leave you to the Hogwarts drama," Draco says, laughing.

And so the two of them leave together, this time hand in hand, as this experience certainly made them rediscover each other, whether for physical or emotional purposes. And so they walk and they walk and they walk ... And now you're bored.

And so now in the Leaky Cauldron, they find Lucius waiting.

"Unisex," Ginny says happily. "Both parts, my God, how frightening."

"That explains why the chap wouldn't let me take him out," Lucius says thoughtfully.

"What? Father ..." Draco says, disgusted.

"You know I like them pale," Lucius says, turning pink, but saying it rather modestly. "Harry is free now."

"Oh, Draco. Draco ... Draco. Buy me another drink and I'll take you to the spa," Ginny says, and she gets a bit closer to Draco.

"I'll take that offer. With you, there is no question of sex," Draco says and goes over to and whispers in her ear. "I would know."

And so, our story concludes. Harry Potter is free and the adventure makes the headline a few days later when Blaise Zabini's true identity makes the headlines, and somehow, someway, Harry is the hero. He always will be. Ginny and Draco are barely mentioned.

But Draco and Ginny have at least, confidence in each other. Through their many physical and emotional encounters, they have this much. And the bit they have is what anyone who longs for Blaise Zabini shall never have; no matter how much money they have in Lucius Malfoy's case, or how much they like him in Parvati's. No question of sex.

BluntJoey

Humor Fictlet ... Draco/Ginny

so sad HP is over!